


My regrets, my choices & my Love

by FanaticA4Ev3r



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 'M' for Mature, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-03-15 14:10:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3450023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticA4Ev3r/pseuds/FanaticA4Ev3r
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a fine line between hate and love, I always heard that and I hate fucking clichés but it is for therapy purposes and I’m  adding it to my… whatever this crap it is that I’m writing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hate, Like, Infatuation, Love.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my friends, this is a short Fic, I think it would be three or four chapters most likely three, is one of those I had to get it out.

_“I will always love you”_ he said the night of our wedding, I can’t explain what I felt when I heard those words that fill my entire being with a sensation that I never experienced before, perhaps, there are no words to describe it, maybe another word to express this feeling besides the word _love_ can’t be said only felt and is for those who are really, truly meant for each other.

Here I am today, fucking writing about another love story that probably is no better or worse than any other one ever written, the reason is because is for therapy and what it makes this funny is that I don’t believe in that shit but I decided that might as well give it a try, perhaps that way I can ease---.

I’m going to start from the day we met;  he was a college student and one of our interns, we didn’t start in the best of ways in fact we hated each other, it was mutual. I couldn’t stand that he was not only a brat but he was a fucking mess and rule number one if you work for me, cleanliness is _the first priority._  I made his life a living hell and he was sure to do the same for me, he was not only messy but stubborn and had an _I don’t fucking care attitude_.  I couldn’t fire him which is what I wanted to do the first day,  in the first place he was Hange’s assistant and I was told that I could use him when my own assistant went on maternity leave and second it was the busiest time and I didn’t want to bother to look for someone else when he was there and it was only going to be for a short period of time.

-

When _hate_ turned to _like_ was the day that the messy brat had gone to the trouble of literally risking his own life when I accidentally had taken the wrong file that was not for the meeting I had, it would've not only  affected our client but we would've lost a lot of money in the process.  I was grateful to him and it made me realize that I had probably misjudged him, I decided to give him another chance,  get to know better who this person really was and after a while _like_ turned into _infatuation_ when I saw that he was not only young, handsome and smart along with so many other qualities that made him someone that was so close and yet too far to reach.

 

 

**∞ **∞****

 

I never had a problem with age and fuck it, that was something that never bothers me or even thought about, but the more my crush developed into something more, I would have liked to have been at least five years younger and to pursue someone that is much younger makes you also think about the future.

-

I was starting my day at work and on the way to my office I overheard a conversation about the brat having someone, _he was in love_ , it was serious and he even wanted to marry this person, my whole day went to fucking hell, I even got a headache. I was in a bad mood and to top it all the brat had mixed up some papers that were found so late that meant that I had to work late and all I wanted to do was to go home and forget that the fucking day even happened. At some point, I was not yelling but screaming at him, I said some harsh words and the whole thing ended up with him telling me how much he hated me and that he was quitting.

-

 _There is a fine line between hate and love_ , I always heard that and I hate fucking clichés but it is for therapy purposes and I’m adding it to my… whatever this crap it is that I’m writing. Anyway, the brat came to work a few days later and this time he was back working for Hange,  who had arranged for someone else to help me but not without listening about how many ways I could die if I made this new person cry. The brat and I didn’t talk, every time we were going to cross paths, he always tried to avoid me and after the situation became old is when I decided it was time to get rid of my crush.

 

**∞ **∞** **∞****

 

I had a date and it was with my ex-boyfriend, he had asked me several times before to meet saying he had something important to talk to me, that night, I wore the best outfit I had and while dressing I was thinking _why in hell I’m dressing up for an asshole that wanted nothing to do with me_ , don’t get me wrong our break up was mutual, one day out of two years of dating he realized that he was older than me, five years to be exact and he told me he didn’t see a future and I just said _good luck and good bye_.

-

I was in the restaurant and he looked as handsome as ever and I did remember why I had fallen for him in the first place and as luck would have it, I instinctively directed my view to the sound of a door opening and there he was... the stupid brat with whom I could only presume was his girlfriend.

We were still waiting and the food was not yet ready, but I was fully aware that the brat and his girlfriend were two tables in front of us, I could tell that he was looking at our direction, I guess neither of us was too discreet because our eyes were still finding each other. I finally looked at Erwin (my ex’s name) when he took my hand and he was asking me for another chance, _shit!_  What do you respond to a person when the other person you have feelings for is close to you with someone else and you want to demonstrate that you too have someone that loves you? and I couldn’t think at that moment, was it fair to my ex or to me to start something that no longer existed. _Of course,_ when you are human and facing that kind of predicament there is only one answer...

...I felt cold, the cold of the wine that had spilled all over me and I heard this person repeatedly saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry sir” and it was _him!._ I didn’t have time to say anything when he practically yanks me by the arm telling us that he was going to take care of the mess. I couldn’t think and I had no idea what was happening, we got to the men’s bathroom and before I could muster a word I was pushed to the wall and he was kissing me with such passion, once I realized what was happening, it felt like fire, it felt like heaven and we sadly had to stop to get some air, luckily no one else was in there.  

When I looked at him he had this stupid grin on his face.  I was about to ask, but once again he was pulling me, shoving me in one of the stalls and only said that he needed to take care of the spill, long story short,  it was one of the best blow jobs I ever had and now that I think of it the bathroom is not the most romantic of places, but I am sure as hell that I will never forget that place... after who knows how long we went back to our tables, my date was gone and the girl was angry asking him why we took so long, why the spill on my shirt was still there and the brat just introduce us, she was his adoptive sister, later she told us that my date was gone after coming back from the bathroom and he hadn’t said a word.

-

We dated for about three months and I didn’t have the fucking patience to wait any longer.  I decided that it was better for me to make sure no one else would come along and take what it was meant for me, there were so many reason and one of them was whenever we would fuck in some of those nights we would start with me at the top and would end with me under him, we explored each other’s body and it was not long before we both knew exactly what parts would makes us literally scream with pleasure, besides that and being a good reason, there is more, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the everyday little things that make coming home from a long day of work a lot more different than it used to be and what is more important is that _I love him._

_-_

The wedding was for lack of a better word _beautiful_ and of course, that is what everyone says about their wedding and right now I’m starting to realize that I’m sounding more like a depressed person that can’t eat sweets because is "watching" the weight, but again this is for fucking therapy. 

We went to Paris for our honeymoon and came back to a newly weeded life after that and like any other fairy tale I believed that it was the start of our _Happily Ever After_.


	2. Regrets, Sacrifice, Desired & Closure.

_'It was a heart attack… he is doing much better, he’s at home now… thanks for calling’_ those were the words I heard him say while I was trying to figure what had happened and here is the part I dread the most and fuck my luck because only I could think that I was immortal, I was the strongest and nothing could touch me, _how fucking wrong I was_ , I am writing it all because I have to remember that I’m only human and in life there are no guarantees of any kind no matter who you are.

The day started as normal and towards the end we had so much going on I had a terrible headache and some other pain that I thought it was only stress related, I had finished a presentation that took us a long time to prepare and I decided to go home as soon as I could but before I could go, I felt breathless followed by a sharp pain and everything went dark.

I don’t remember much just waking up and I didn’t like what I saw first.  I didn’t like to see him worried and hurt, he was suffering and I was the cause of it, when he asked the doctor what had happened the last thing I expected to hear was that it was my heart, he explained the possible causes, the treatment and the possibility of happening again, I had stopped listening after he said 'the heart' because I knew I wasn’t young but I wasn’t that old and fuck it why was all that happening to me, I felt worse when I saw what all of it really meant in my lovers eyes.

-

Life went back to normal, if normal means going back to work and everyone is looking at you like you are going to fall any second, if normal is when you are at home and you are treated with feather like touches, if normal is when you start re-thinking that perhaps _age does matter_ and why I didn’t see it before, I was ten years older and he was only twenty-two, no matter what I will always be older and fucking again _why I didn’t think of it before_ , he deserves better was the only thing I could think and I never felt so selfish and I’d met some assholes before but I was the biggest one because it was a matter of time that he not only had to deal with a sick and older person but also he was bound with someone that might not be able to give the future of happiness that was promised.

I had done wrong and there was no room for regrets, it was time to take action and give back the freedom I took, work became the perfect excuse, it was not long before an opportunity opened up for me to go work as a consultant out of the city and I took it _‘The pay is better and a change of scenery would be good for me’_ that is what I told him, he was not too happy with my decision but didn’t fight it because it was already decided and there was no going back.

-

I was away from home and it helps with keeping distance and soon a week became two when I accepted a second assignment, the day I arrived home I was expecting a fight, tears and I had even rehearsed a couple of explanations from the different scenarios that I was going to face, I only found a note ‘ _Welcome back love_ , _I will be late home from school, food is in the fridge’_ by the time he came to our bedroom later that night I pretended to be sleeping and fuck it because it really hurt more than I thought but it was for the best, he didn’t wake me and the following morning I got up earlier than usual deciding not to wake him up and I left for work.

I took another assignment the same day that required to leave for a month. I called and left him a message but didn’t get a response back from him until late that night at the hotel, I could tell by his tone that he had been drinking, he didn’t say much, he only asked how I was feeling and mumble something else that I didn’t understand, I asked him to call me when he was sober but responded that he would not talk to me until I was back home and for a month we didn’t hear from each other.

I was playing this ‘game’ were I would be home for a day and usually leave the next, again,  he didn’t ask or fight any of my decisions and whenever he wanted intimacy I would give him the typical response _‘I have a headache’_ I guess being fucking original is not my trade but he didn’t insist on it either, after a while it puzzled me, but I accepted one of the most difficult and possible explanation and that was that he too wanted a way out, a month turn into two and two became three and it was better to stop playing because it meant prolonging the agony, for me, for him and I decided to take matters into actions, I chose an assignment that it was going to take me close to a year to finish, the time had finally arrived, _the time to let go_.

 

 

∞∞

The word sacrifice is not to make me a martyr because I'm fucking far from that otherwise I would have never done what I had promised to myself, the night before I was leaving, I couldn’t stop myself and I fucked up so bad.

I had talked to him earlier and explained about the job, the time it was going to take, he was silent, he listened until the end but my brat is smart, he knew what all of it really meant and later that night I was in bed, memorizing the room, the scent, the feeling and I was also remembering all those moments we spent together when I saw him, he was coming out of the shower completely naked, _shit_ because he is my biggest weakness and control is difficult especially when he presents himself to me in that way, he approached and stood at the end of the bed and we were looking at each other with the same lust, with the same feelings, both starving for each other and I couldn’t take my eyes from his arousal and I couldn’t hide mine, he slowly climbed up to the bed until I was totally under him and all it took was for him to say two words ‘ _take me’_ and any reason was out the window.

I kissed any available skin, I touch every curve of his body, the feeling of him and I was taking mental pictures, I was also recording in my mind every gasp, moan and every other delightful sound and _fuck it_ , he is mine. I chose to let my selfishness experience the feeling of being inside of him one last time and I wasn’t thinking, desire had won the battle, at the end of our high I always mark what is mine but it was then, in that moment, I remembered… my reason caught up with my heart and both were asking, telling, yelling in a matter of seconds _what have you done?!_ I had taken what it wasn’t for me anymore and why I didn’t fucking stop before I could do any more harm _‘I love you’_ he tells me and his words like a sharp knife brought me back to my reality and _guilt_ was the only feeling I could feel, I looked at him, I couldn’t respond, tears started to show on his face, _forgive me_ I mentally said, I quickly got up and went straight to the shower.     

I’m no martyr, I keep hurting the person I love, I fucking hate myself for my weakness, for not being young, for everything that I had done wrong and I couldn’t go back and undo my sin, how can he forgive me when I cannot forgive myself. I’m not a person that shows emotions or get easily sentimental but that night when I was in the shower I couldn’t stop the tears coming out of my eyes.

-

I signed a few months later the papers of our divorce they were e-mailed to me and I could e-mail them back, _technology is fucking serious_ I thought you can electronically be divorce now. I was a free man but so was he, I couldn’t stop thinking of the son of a bitch that will get to touch my brat but I know he will learn to love again, he’s young and at that age is easier to forget especially someone that made your life miserable. I should know because the same thing happened to me and how ironic he left me because of our age difference and what is more ironic is that I got to fully understand his reasons, he was not much of an asshole after all.

-

I was surprised when Hange took my call; we hadn’t talked in ages. I asked for help to sell my apartment and before it was agreed I was asked where I was, how I was doing and all of those other questions that are typical of my friends curiosity, I responded a few things and from there we would talk every other day about things concerning the apartment, it wasn’t long before there was a buyer and we didn’t even talk about price, I didn’t care as long as it was sold.

-

The year of my contract was ending and I didn’t know what I was going to do next, Hange asked me about it and I didn’t respond because I had nothing and in the middle of our phone conversation,  without me asking, that four eyes started telling me about my ex-husband’s life.

I was genuinely happy to hear that he graduated, also that he found a job, I didn’t know how to feel about him dating someone else, I wanted him to be happy and loved but I hoped not to see any of it, I didn’t know if I could control myself and the idea of going back was out of the question.  I had already decided to move back to Europe, France to be exact, I have friends there and they are more like family, the only family I have left and I used to live there before.

I later told Hange about my decision and that shitty glasses stroke a nerve when I heard that my decision was because of my ex-husband and my honest answer was that I needed to forget, Hange suggested that the only way to truly forget is with closure and I agreed, after all, I still had to go back to the city for a couple of days to sign my resignation and some other papers.  A closure is what I needed and the first thing I did was to do a list of all those places that had a piece of our lives in each of them and it was fucking hard for me to write said list especially when I discovered that all the places had a history of us. I didn’t sleep at all the first night when the day had finally arrived even though it was a weekday and there was no chance to see him but the masochistic part was wishing I could, I spent the entire night passing back and forth, getting courage or more like trying to get enough of it for me to be able to walk those paths _one last time._

 

∞∞∞

 

The first item crossed on my list, walk the park. I found myself first thing in the morning taking several deep breaths as trying to recuperate the scent of the past, I sat on the same bench that in our lazy days we would spend each reading a book until there was no more sunlight and our day would end either commenting about the book or talking about other nonsense.

The second item crossed, breakfast at our favorite pancake house and fuck time does fly I hadn’t been there for so long but at least the place looked the same, I couldn’t find any of the people that used to work there, they were a bunch of college students that I’m sure they already moved on to better and bigger things and that is what change does.  I don’t know why I was even looking at the menu when I already knew what my order was going to be and fifteen minutes later I was eating his favorite dish that I found disgusting when he ordered it but for fucks sake I wanted to know what the fuss was about, I did like it, for a one time deal.

The third, the fourth, the fifth and the sixth of the items were all crossed, the favorite bookstore, café, the bar where we would hang out on weekends and even went to the grocery store. I had my ticket in my hand and my flight was leaving at three and it was eleven thirty the last time I looked at my watch, I was walking the streets that would take me back to the last place on my list and there was so much more, so many other places that were on my list but my time was already short and I found myself standing at the front of those doors and my hearth was already telling me that couldn’t take anymore but my mind, my being, my soul needed to let go.

I ordered the same wine and the same dish, I was able to sit at the same table and I was facing an empty chair, closing my eyes I recalled taking the little box out and when I open it I remembered the shined on those green emerald eyes. I took a deep breath because of the memories and opening my eyes again I took my glass for one last time and lifting it to the air I only said ‘ _I wish for you the best’_ it was time to go and on my way out I thought that perhaps I was going to be able to find someone to share and to end up my time with but I know in my heart that I will not find someone that I will love, not in the same way.

In this place we call earth there so many places and so many chances to find one person out of the already million that live in it and I couldn’t believe that my masochist side had won because I was out and in front of those doors again ready to leave and I had already said my goodbyes when I was standing there looking straight at those green eyes that I thought I was never going to see again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, the last Chapter will be out soon with a surprise ending!
> 
> Thanks for reading \\(^*^)/


	3. All about love

This is the end of this… whatever and I have a basket full of tossed papers and I discovered one more quality if that is what doing _this_ is call and that is… I’m not good at writing, not when it comes to talking about my life, for some reason I stared at a blank page for a good fifteen minutes and again is not like anyone is going to care to read the scribbles of an old man’s life and love issues. I don’t even remember when was the fucking time or the fucking day I agreed to do this but I’ll see it to the end and I must say it is helping me remember that most of it happened thanks to one person.

-

Monday was the day, I had a plane ticket and enough time to get to the airport, I said my goodbyes and follow the list were the title read ‘Closure’ I made sure to underline the word because that was the whole point of coming back to my city, to my home.  I had planned a new life and new beginnings and why I didn’t see it coming, why I didn’t put two and two together, why was he standing there and why wasn’t I moving.

 

 

 

\---

 

 

\--

 

-

 

“Longtime no see,” I said trying to keep my composure.

“Is not because of me” he answered and I nodded “I didn’t think I would see you again” I finished.

“I am going, to be honest,” he said and paused but neither one looked away “I’m here because I need one thing from you” he finished.

I was puzzled; I didn’t understand what a person needed from another especially when the only thing done was to cause pain.

“I need to hear you say… something… one last time and I promise that I will let you go” he tells me and what word or words could I possibly say, I’m sorry, forgive me, I was a total ass --- what another way could describe or could possibly make our situation better.

 

 

-

\--

\---

 

 

∞∞

“Ask me anyt-“ both talking at the same time I could barely hear him say “I need you to say… I love you”.

I thought I was the masochist, why he wanted me to say something that it hurt to think about and he wanted me to say it! and I didn’t respond, I was speechless.

“you didn’t say it back, that night, our last night together… at least-” he was talking but this time averted his view away from me and in a hushed voice he finished “you could’ve lied”.

I was ready to say _forgive me_ and it was already difficult, I was even willing to say it out loud if it was necessary but---.

“ You can fucking lie!... I don’t give a fuck, but you owe me, you fucking owe me that much!” he shouts and we went quiet for what it fell like an eternity, If he didn’t know it, he was being the most fucking cruel person I had ever met, but perhaps that is what he needed to move on, to forget, to start a new life.

 

 

 

\---

 

\--

 

-

 

 

“I, I love you” I finally said and those words mean more, a lot more when you are breaking in body and soul, he still wasn’t looking, his eyes were no longer on mine “goodbye” I told him and I don’t know how I was able to even talk anymore but I thought that this time even if he thinks is a lie at least I could say what I couldn’t before.

“the park!… I still go there on those lazy days. I still order the pancakes with the strawberries and cream on top. I go to the library and pick a book for me and… and one for you. I go to the café and now I order black tea… I found out that I like it and when I go to the grocery store I buy your favorite cleaning supplies and on the weekends I go to our bar to meet with our friends---”.

“Eren, please!... you have to, please understand that I’m ---” and I didn’t get to finish my sentence when I felt a pair of strong arms holding me, I knew his scent, I knew his hold and this time I was too weak to fight and I let his embrace covered me whole.

“I choose you,” he said to my ear

“I want to be always by your side, I want us to grow old together, this is my decision, is what I want and what I really want is you… are you done?”  and finding those big eyes I gave him a questioning look.

“are you done running away from me?” he asked and I didn’t answer because we were kissing and yes, I was done running, I was tired of fighting and that day _I was defeated_.

 

 

-

 

\--

 

\---

∞∞∞

 

 

I decided to write all of _this_ because I don’t want to forget the fact that I’m still older than him, the fact that my heart will one day decide to give me another scare even though my doctor says I’m one hundred percent and the fact that in life anything can happen but that doesn’t mean that I cannot be happy or make my love happy because that is what I promised the day we renew our vows. 

This is for me to read every time, this is a therapy if you will or the best way to make sure that I have to thank my best friend Hange, who by the way,  that shitty glasses told Eren to let me be when all started to fall apart and also convinced him that it was due to a midlife crisis and I needed to be left alone.

I have to thank my friend that was there with him the whole time when I was away from work and kept him from going to look for me, thank my friend even when I found out that four eyes planned to sent me the ‘divorce’ papers and told him that it was for the best, to help me ‘wake up’ because the papers I signed were fucking fake.

I also have to remember that our apartment was never sold and to my surprise Eren was still living there, the money that was sent to me was from our two cars that Hange had helped him sell and finally the boyfriend was a lie because 'my friend' figured it was to make me suffer a little because I deserved it.

I must finish with the ‘closure’ idea that I was convinced of doing and it was, in fact, Eren’s last attempt to make me understand that we were meant for each other.

-

We came back from our second honeymoon from France a couple days ago and my husband did get a lot of books and I must say that the one I intend to read with close attention, especially with my best friend in mind, is called....

 

‘Retaliation'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter, I hope you like it, thanks for reading !!!!!
> 
> |(^.^)|
> 
> CLARIFICATION: The "not good at writting" part is more like the Authors feeling not the character.

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO ALL,
> 
> I'm posting this new and improve version of my FIC, I had read it again and found lots of FLAWS and I felt so ashamed, which I want to thank for the KUDOS even though it was sort of bad writing, I must say that perhaps my writing is not better but at least I feel that it makes more sense.
> 
> ENJOY the 2.0 version of this FIC \\(^*^)/
> 
> Thanks for reading and if you like this one, please check my other works! and let me know what you think.
> 
> If you like this one check my other two FICS "Everything Happens for a Reason" and "Playing with Fire"  
> *** I literally have NO SHAME!!! ***
> 
> ¿(^.^)?


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